Welcome back to the Christmas special sponsored by bug spray! (song from Cricket on the Hearth) One of the classic what-ifs is; what if Scrooge had been in charge of a toy store? Oh, wait no. No, it’s not. Tackleton: Plummer, you’re using entirely too much paint on the dolls faces! Caleb: Just trying to give them nice smiles. Phelous: Smiles, yes. Clearly where the majority of all paint goes on toys. Tackleton: Paint costs money! You know what else costs money? People not buying your unpainted piles of crap! Wow, Charles Dickens, a greedy miser character! Sure hope the spirit of Christmas teaches him a lesson! That’s not helping at all. Crocket: Every night, me and him would sneak in and fix ’em up proper! Phelous: Of course Tackleton SAW that Since its kind of hard to miss while SELLING them and Caleb was fired immediately. Phelous (Crocket): Last I saw Caleb and Blind Bitch Bertha was on their way to the poorhouse while I moved into their old place! I’m so lucky! Caleb: Oh, excuse me, sir. Phelous (Caleb): Oh, hello sir! You’ve two different colours of hair, too! Did you go to tackytoupees.com as well? You should move in with us! No, seriously. He does that. Caleb: Oh, you must come home with me. Phelous: So! Which stray pickup was weirder for you? The insect or the super real hair man. Crocket: He was a funny, quiet sort of fella… Just sat there looking at Bertha with them sad old eyes… Phelous (Bertha): So, why do you smell EXACTLY like my fiancé? Phelous (Definitely not Edward): Oh bollocks, I thought I rolled around in enough shit to cover my scent! Phelous (Bertha): No, that’s exactly why I smelt it was you. Phelous (Definitely not Edward): OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHHHHH We’re so glad you could stay with us. Not Edward: Oh, it’s my pleasure indeed Bertha (Bertha gasps) Yeah, yeah, yeah, who is that man in the 25 cent beard? Come on! And does her father seriously not see this? Or would that mean admitting something about his own toupee and he just can’t do that? (static crackles, Aladdin screams) (teleportation sounds) Phelous (Aladdin): Oh boy! Phelous (Paige): Aladdin, do something! Phelous (Aladdin):Uh, yeah what exactly am I supposed to do Paige? Phelous (Paige): Oh, this should be an easy one! According to Wordsworth all you have to do is take your fake beard off and end this pointlessness! Phelous (Wordsworth): What!? That’s not what I said at all! That’s it!? Really? That’ll solve all the problems here?! Okay! Phelous (Crocket): Oh, I don’t think so! If anyone is going to bollocks up Christmas around here it’s CRICKET CROCKET! (gunshot) Phelous (Paige): WHAT HAVE YOU DONE!!! I SWEAR WE’LL FIND YOU!!! Phelous (Not Edward): Um I think I just ruined my underwear. Caleb: But we’re all one family Yes! You, me, bum off the street and a bug Family! Which reminds me a lot of Jesus’ birth, which did you know took place right beside a cliff? Also, Jesus’s head was an excellent lamp! Caleb: ♪FOR CHRISTMAS LIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIVES♪ ♪IN THE HEEEEEEAAAAAAARTS OOOOOOOOOOOOFFF MEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEENNNNNNN!!! ♪ (choir and bells ringing) The end Right what the hell was that? Crocket: Well the following day it was Christmas Eve. Oh, and we were really busy. (unfiiting cartoon sound effects) Phelous: Wow, this mundane toy making sure is wacky. Tackleton: This is a lonely old place for me, and I finally decided that what I need is a wife. Phelous (Caleb): But, sir! I’m your employee! It’s against the rules… oh So Bertha naturally tells him ” yeah sure, why not.” She’s not catching another husband with that twisted spine. Caleb takes the news well as he slides down to Hell. Yeah it might not look like he’s quite gone that far BUT… I saw the end of the world in her eyes… No need to feel sorry for Bertha if you ever did she was clearly always a demon… though She made terrible misuse of her powers by just having stupid stuff happen like herself and Edward riding giant pies. It was the sixties you know time of death: 3:05 p.m. ( Bertha )I have happy news sir. ( Not Edward )And I have something to tell you !I’ve waited too long! ( Bertha )No, no, no Let me tell my news first. The most wonderful man in the whole world has asked me to be his wife! ( Phelous as Not Edward ) I don’t know why I’m so stupid … I’ll just be leaving. ( Crocket )Really dodged a bullet on that one, huh,Blind Bertha? ( Bertha )Why cricket, what a thing to say! ( David )What’s wrong with the old fellow? ( Phelous As Crocket )He’s just upset no one saw through his obvious disguise. He’s going into town to get an ” I’m Edward ” sign. ( Phelous As David )I wonder what that means. ( Phelous )Anywho, Cricket Crockett has finally decided to be a little proactive with his luck spreading So he calls in his goon squad to sabotage Bertha’s acceptance of Bird Head’s marriage proposal. Women, they can’t make decisions on their own, best to leave the decision making to be insects. ( Tackleton )It was that cricket made a fool of me! ( Phelous ) If you EVER hear yourself mutter those words it’s time to seriously re-evaluate your life. ( Tackleton )Uriah! Get rid of him once and for all! Get professional help! ( Phelous )Professional help, [are] you asking the bird to call the exterminators, and now you do actually talk to the bird why don’t you listen to what he is doing earlier the cricket still being alive is your fault! ( TackIeton ) want that cricket eiminated. ( Phelous )Squash it then dude. It’s not that hard. ( Weird Singing Cat Thingy )Diamonds furs and ocean trips they don’t go with tuppence tips Don’t feed me champagne talk when when we’re eating fish and chips. ( Phelous )Sexy cat song?! NO! ( Cat )Half of pints and smokey kips… ( ?? ) Whatever man to touch my lips… Don’t speak those platinium words when we eating fish and chips! ( Phelous )Shit, did we seriously just fly into a different movie? What is going on? ( Phelous As Cat )Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow all night long in bed baby! ( Phelous )We’ve had some talking animals. That’s one thing but to go over to an animal society with a nightclub is another. See?this stork is having none of it! He’s just waiting for some Vlasic pickle cereal, ha ha sure shoehorned that in! ( Uriah ) Hello stranglers! ( Dog ) I collect spores molds and fungus.( Sailor Monkey ) What’s the job this time, Uriah? ( Uriah ) We eliminates an annoying cricket. ( Phelous )I’m watching a movie where they seriously, just put a hit out on a cricket. Goodbye brain cells! Don’t know what you were doing here anyway.( Monkey ) I have a better idea… we’ll capture it. I knows a captain who pays well captured crickets.( Phelous As Monkey ) He’s really stupid that way seeings as crickets are common bugs, but whatever floats his boat! Get it?He’s a Captain! [ cricket noises ] Oh,double joke because of the crickets! GET IT? ( Gun loads ) I’ll shut up. ( Phelous ) They capture and tie up the cricket. Why did I just say those words? This really takes a lot more effort here guys… you could just eaten or killed him very easily. ( Monkey )Now where’s our pay ) ( Captain ) I’ve got your payoff right here! ( Proceeds to murder them ) ( Phelous ) He seriously just killed them. No, really, I didn’t add that! What in the fuck, cartoon? You’re not supposed to actually meet me with my dark death jokes! The crow is seriously never in it again! He’s dead, along with Hit Dog and Monkey! Merry Christmas kids, suck on this! Also could no one be bothered to fully draw another character design for the captain? He looks so much like Tackleton, I thought was just him in a captain suit the first time watching this! ( Crockett )What will my family do without their lucky cricket on the hearth? ( Phelous )They don’t have a hearth anymore because of your luck.. I think they’ll be fine. ( Phelous As Crockett )Just the thought of them leading rich full lives gave me the strength to go on! ( Captain )You’ll fetch a pretty price,you will. ( Phelous )Wow, I’m gonna go catch crickets and be rich! Screw finishing this video! Ha Ha Ha! 50 cents suckers! Only took me two days. Well, the cricket plays dead and as we all know, the fortune to be made in crickets is based on them still being alive… so… garbage! Luckily for Crockett they tied him up with Silly String and it immediately dissolves upon hitting the water. ( Crockett ) Now, I know you’re not going to believe how I got back to land. But this is the way it happened, lord so help me. ( Phelous ) Wow! What luck! Oh now I get it. Crickets just suck up the luck from their unsuspecting victims and just have an abundance of it for themselves! Little assholes. ( Crockett ) Midnight on Christmas Eve. One hour in the year where magical things are supposed to happen! ( Jiminy Cricket )Criiickeeet Crroookkeet! YOU MUST CHANGE YOUR W- ( splat noise ) ( Phelous as Crockett )Some crickets just have all the luck! Now, of course the magic really hits the fan when the toys come to life! ( Toy Elephant )Humans must never see toys come to life! Those are the rules.( Crockett ) I am a cricket. ( Toy Elephant ) Phew! Crickets don’t count. ( Phelous ) Oh, and here I always thought crickets did count as humans. So… Only through the power of Deus Ex toys. A– can you possibly be shown the bleedin obvious? Woo,there is a shock part of his wig matched his actual hair color? Why? ( Toy Elephant )Kindly allow me to explain. You see, Edward Belton didn’t drown. ( Toy Horse who has the exact same voice as Elephant ) ) He built himself a raft and sailed to a beautiful unchartered island. ( Phelous As Toy Elephant )HEY! Don’t steal my voice! ( Toy Elephant )And he was there two years before a whaler found him and brought him back to England. ( Phelous ) Well, I’m really glad the toy information network is so good. ( Crockett )But then why the disguise? ( Toy Elephant ) Uh.. we just have vast knowledge of random people. We can’t explain brain-dead schemes. We’re out! ( Edward ) I was shipwrecked, you see. ( Crockett ) I know all that! ( Phelous as Crockett ) Toys told me! ( Phelous as Edward )This crickets insane! ( Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde cop ) OII! Another guy talking to a cricket. He’s insane! ( Crockett ) What I don’t understand is the whiskers and the wheeze. ( Edward )I came directly to her but Then I saw she’d gone blind and I realized it was my fault. ( Phelous as Edward ) I don’t know how I realized that But I did, so naturally I decide instead of relieving her of that pain I caused, I’d let it continue. ( Phelous )Jackass who puts hits out on crickets? Ex-fiance who lets you still think they’re dead because you’re blind. Yeah, just pick someone else Bertha. None of this explanation really helps either. It’s just ” I wanted to make sure she still needed me, the girl who went into somehow prolonged hysterical blindness because I disappeared so I creeped on her as an old man.” What a prince.( Edward ) The most wonderful man in the world had asked her to be his wife. Those were her very words. ( Crockett ) Ooohhh, You-you-you-you-you NINCOMPOOP! Paying any attention to the words of a gushing female! ( Phelous ) So what could possibly fix this situation, but saying, “Hey, I’m not an old man. It’s me, Edward”. Oh. What do you know, problem solved and you’re the dumbass that caused it. And that very night they get married via Disgusting Vision by the Pope himself apparently. And wait… who the hell is standing for them? they don’t have any friends… besides a bug who apparently they didn’t even invite. Nice! ( Tackleton )What’s this? What’s this? ( Phelous ) You just got wife snatched! ( Tackleton ) NOBODY LOVES ME! ( Song From Credits ) “No Christmas tree, no Decorations just you and me”, ( Blind Bertha ) But we all love you! And there will always be a place in my heart for a fine and kind and noble and handsome gentleman such as you!( Tackleton ) Dear me! I feel good all over! Nobody ever said such nice things to me before! I feel as light as a log! Heavy as a hummingbird! ( Phelous ) Wait! Did we seriously just throw in a mini Ebenezer Scrooge plot? DICCCKKKEENNNS! There was absolutely no arc for this! This guy is an attempted murderer! He put a hit out on a cricket which I guess is like a person in this universe! His bird he sent to put out the hit is dead, and he doesn’t even give a shit! But all he needed was ” Hey, Don’t feel bad you just lost your wife You should like Christmas!” ( Phelous As Tackleton ) OOOKKAAY! Oh Cricket! You’re the luckiest thing that ever happened to anyone. ( Phelous ) Yes, after flushing our lives down the toilet Bertha’s dumbass fiance managed to figure out that Maybe he should be himself to find out if a woman still loves him instead dressing up in the poorest old man disguise ever! which beyond belief managed to fool all of us! So thanks for that! ( Phelous As Crockett ) And that’s why I am the very best at everything! ( Old Man ) Oooh, a delicious cricket! ( Gulp ) ( Phelous ) Well… I see why this one doesn’t get adapted quite as often. This special is…. oh, for fuck’s sakes Danny Thomas! Just let it be done! ( Danny Thomas ) And we are not told whose gift was gold Or whose was the gift of Myrrh. ( Phelous )Why? Yes, that’s seriously in there. Random fade back to Bertha losing it just after Mr. Green’s fun visit. Just wanted to remind you of the best part of the movie before the credit roll, I suppose. Well… the best part of the movie besides: ( Captain murdering the animals ) Unsurprisingly, the original tale of Cricket On The Hearth didn’t actually have the cricket talk… and it was a completely different family; the Perrybingles, that it came to. Caleb and his daughter are still in the story, but she’s blind from the onset and doesn’t just have hysterical blindness last her whole life. Also Edward is Caleb’s son, best romance ever! This cartoon adaptation is just bizarre. It really is awful luck the cricket brings the whole time until things are slightly okay at the end. Not great, but fake old man shenanigans are over at least! I don’t quite understand the role animals have in this world either, as it tries to play it like it’s fairly normal except for them talking, then suddenly, animal nightclub! We’re also hit rather strangely with Captain Tackleton Who doesn’t get his cricket fortune, but does get away with murder! And to top it off, we get Charles Dickens saying, ” hey, remember A Christmas Carol? That sure was a better story than this, wasn’t it?”Well, at least better than this cartoon adaptation. So Merry Christmas and Happy Holiday Weenie everyone!And remember there’s nothing luckier than a bug infestation by your fireplace. ( Crockett ) Did someone call for some luck? ( Phelous ) AAH! The Cricket Curse will kill me!! ( Crockett ) Raaiiid?? ( Explodes ) I just got seriously hurt from a bug exploding? Well, I hope my pain is your Christmas Cheer! ( cricket noises ) How very appropriate. ( End Credit Music ) ( Singing Cat ) When we’re eating fish and chips! ( Phelous ) [ dopey voice ]There sure is nothing sexier than Meow Mix! [normal voice ] WHHYYYY???