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How Spider-Man Far From Home Should Have Ended


Okay… Finally done equipping my glasses with access to all my state of the art technology… for Peter in case I die. Now to just write some vague instructions to turn them on… and give them to Nick Fury, who will hopefully just hand them over to Peter one day. Here’s a bright idea. How about you DON’T give military grade death drone controlling 80’s glasses to an easily influenced hormonal teenager just because he has a foxy aunt. Oh dang! You’re right! Here you go Rhodey! ♫ And I… ♫ ♫ Will try not to forget you ♫ ♫ OooooOOooooooo ♫ ♫ But come on let’s be realistic ♫ ♫ Things change after time ♫ ♫ Oh yeah ♫ ♫ Oh but you were the best… ♫ ♫ When you were around ♫ Gone, but not forgotten. Five years ago half of the world blipped out of existence. but thanks to the acts of these mighty heroes… those who blipped away were saved. Well… everyone who wasn’t on an airplane. (screams) Or on a boat… (screams) Or people in high traffic areas. Okay I think they get it! It’s really nice to have someone to talk to about this super hero stuff. Anytime. Thanks. What the! uh oh!
Why are you a ghost? Whelp! Gotta go! Byeeeeeee! You’re up kid! Alright, Fire, try this on for size! What the heck? What is happening here? Whelp. Gotta go! Byeeeeeeeee! Now that is some bull crap. Fury wouldn’t say crap. Dang it girl! You’re gonna give me away! Oh man! I’m out of webs! I really wish their was a multiverse. Well lucky for you there is! What? Who are you?! We call it the Spider-verse, but yeah the multiverse is totally a thing. Hey. I’m Spider-Man. Whoa! And I’m the Amazing Spider-Man! Awesome! What makes you so amazing? I… I can ride a skateboard. Okay. And we’re all here too! Hey. Awesome! Let’s do this! Does anyone have any extra webs? Whoohoo Bam! Ha ha! What’s up drone? This little piggy went SMASH! Pew Pew Pew! You ever heard of the shoulder touch?! Yoohooo! (kiss) Kablamo! Edith, is this real? All illusions are terminated, Peter. Are we sure about that? I say we poke him with a stick! Ow! Stop! I’m dead! Yeah. He’s not dead. Dang it Edith! You got me? I got you. Holy crap! That was close! Well at least I didn’t die. Oh no there’s more! AAAAAGGGGGH! EDITH, terminate all the drones! I’m sorry. I can’t do that, Peter. What? Why? You have not been granted control from Quentin Beck. Sorry Pal. Oh my gosh! AAAAAGGGH! So the drones got him… Which was kind of sad. But now I can continue to manipulate the masses Because I’m a master illusionist. Oh you think you’re a master of illusions? Ha ha ha. Don’t make me laugh You’re a rip off of Syndrome at best. Exactly! Hey, Bubble Boy! Why don’t you take a seat next to the Mandarin over there And come back when you’re done copying me! I’m not copying you! If anything you copied me! You wish! You guys are just jealous because everyone finds me most attractive. (laughter) Yeah what about Killmonger? I mean me! I am obviously the most attractive Everybody shut up! I’m preparing for my return. I wish I could quit you. EDITH?
Yes, Peter? I’d like to transfer control to Quentin Beck. Quentin Beck Former Stark employee. What? Developed hologram projection technology. And was fired for being unstable. Are you serious? Multiple hologram drones detected. Former Stark employee. Is there something wrong? Do you still wish to transfer control, Peter? No! Cancel that request, EDITH! Give me those glasses! Hey do you have super strength? Because I do! My drones! My guy! My plan! After that Nick Fury took Mysterio and his gang away… I made out with MJ for a bit… Told her my secret identity. WHAT?!
WHAT?! Dude! You can’t give away your secret identity! Peter, Tony would want you to say… Well I did and I’m awesome so in your face. not now EDITH. What’s the big deal? I thought you tell girls your secret identity all the time. Of course I do! Do you know why? Because I’m an adult and I can handle it. You’re just a kid. He didn’t tell me. It was actually pretty obvious. Honestly I’m embarrassed the whole class hasn’t figured it out by now. You’re like always missing when Spider-Man is around… And you both sound exactly the same. That’s not obvious! We don’t sound the same. Does anyone else know your secret identity? Not really just a few people like… Aunt May… and Ned… and Happy… And Nick Fury… and Maria Hill… and Doctor Strange… And well actually all of the Avengers know But they’re all good guys! And that’s it? I guess I tell Mysterio my name And I hung out with him in what I thought was a public bar… without my mask on. I’m pretty sure the vulture knows your name too. And he’s still alive. hehe. Yeah you’re screwed. No you guys are being paranoid. I’ve got this under control. But that’s not all folks Here’s the real blockbuster! Brace yourself you might wanna sit down. Spider-Man’s real name is… (gasp) EDITH, disrupt this transmission! Of course Peter.
Spider-Man’s name… is… What?! That’s not true! I’m JJ Jameson! I’m not Spider-Man! Spider-Man is… What is happening, people!? Look. Here’s his photo! The real Spider-Man is… You are all fired! Whew! Hey. What’s up? Hey. Just calling to check in. So.. I think it went well. They don’t seem to suspect anything. Did you say Because I’m Batman? No. You gotta say Because I’m Batman. Why? Because I’m Batman! I’m sorry! The opportunity didn’t really present itself. I seriously doubt that. Well I don’t know what to do. They’re all gone now. Just don’t forget next time! Ugh! (sigh) Do you think we should head back? No! They got this. You don’t think that will create confusion? Make people question who’s real or not? No. Or how long they’ve been Skrulls? No. You don’t think sending Skrulls in our stead makes it look like we didn’t care about helping Spider-Man deal with his problems on Earth? You guys are ruining my space vacation! Where the heck are the Avengers?!

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